So, you’re unpacked, you’ve got your schedule, and you’ve got all your books. Now, all that’s left is to have lunch. Deciding who to sit with at mealtimes can make or break your college experience. Okay, that’s not 100% true, but just bear with me on this because I swear there’s a point. Today, we’re going to look at the seven options you have when it comes to picking your lunch crew. Will you choose to sit with the rebel nerds? The foodies? The gastroenterologists? Or will you take a chance on the lit majors? The choice is yours. Choose your destiny!
7. Rebel Nerds
Key entrée: Pizza, antacids
The rebel nerds are a cast of scoundrels, outcasts and vagabonds, sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them. Mostly consisting of comic book fans, movie nerds and theater geeks, the rebel nerds are a jolly, loveable crew of miscreants sure to distract you from your studies with their endless debates on whether Crisis on Infinite Earths ruined comics forever. The one downside to this group is their lack of concern for healthy eating habits can inflate that Freshman Fifteen into a Fifty or even a Sophomore Seventeen. So be careful.
6. Study Group
Key entrée: Coffee
This group is dedicated to graduating early and moving on to bigger and better things as quickly as possible. They don’t talk during lunch. They read, and they study. And that’s about it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Academics are important, and grades are essential for making it into a good graduate/medical school. Bring on the coffee and/or tea, and don’t forget your homework. You’ll fit right in.
5. The Team
Key entrée: Whatever’s at Wellness
Whether we’re talking baseball, soccer or good old-fashioned frisbee golf, the sports team always eats their meals together. Easily identified by their matching uniforms and flushed complexions, the team always eats together. It’s not so much an option as a requirement for those on the team. Of course, if you’re not on the team, you can still sit with them, but be ready to give up a seat if the third string half-back shows up.
Key entrée: Trophies
These guys. Ugh. Just because Potter saves the world every year doesn’t mean you guys have to win the house cup every stinkin’ year. Come on. This is getting ridiculous. I guess if you want to sit with them you can. They can be a little self-righteous, but they’re alright folks, I guess, just…ugh…their attitude is so grating. Hufflepuff all the way, baby.
Key entrée: Gears, electricity
No one’s sure where they came from or what they’re doing on campus, but the cyborgs are a unique and lively bunch, for sure to keep you on your toes both physically and academically. Though some may shudder at their glowing red eyes or cold demeanor, the cyborgs’ metallic embrace is just what you’re looking for if you’ve never been part of a hive mind. Joining their lunch table comes with a free laser scanner, though railguns cost an extra 350 credits. Some of them have jetpacks.
2. The Activists
Key entrée: Anything vegan (unless vegan is bad this week, then you just go with whatever Jamie Oliver said is okay)
A lot like Gryffindor though somehow even more pretentious, the Activists talk politics all the time. Everything is political — your clothes, your food, the bubblegum you chew. It doesn’t matter. Even being right-handed is making a statement. While it’s easy to get swept up in their sea of righteous indignation and civic discourse, this group sometimes has trouble letting go and relaxing. After all, relaxation is a sign of the privileged class. The true activist or ally is always working to make the world a better place. Sitting with this group can be very rewarding in a deeper sense if not particularly “fun.” Just remember to bring your own clipboard and/or tablet, as materials will not be provided for new members.
Key entrée: Whatever you want, home slice.
You know what they say. Eating alone is eating with someone you love. And judging by the crowds at Piedmont Central, you’re quite impressive if you manage to get a table all to yourself. The beautiful thing about eating alone is that no one judges you for having three plates at your table. Just don’t tell them how many servings of sushi you got. No one will know. It’ll be our secret. Pinky-swear.
So now you have a thorough description of your options when it comes to eating lunch. It can be easy to spread yourself thin when it comes to friend groups, so try to keep things tight. Also beware of alphas who may seek to ostracize members of the group for their own personal edification. If you get on the receiving end of an alpha, don’t fret. You may have to find another group, but as you can see, there are plenty of options. If after reading through these choices you’re still not sure who to sit with, just look for me. I’ll eat with you.